Never Again

I’ve had this piece of paper on my desk for a few weeks now and every
time I’ve gone to throw it out I have stopped myself.  For one reason
and one reason only.  I wanted to include it in a blog post before I
banished its very existence and sent it to the slaughterhouse to be
recycled and never seen again.  Now to get to school everyday the first
half of my route usually consists of walking through the heart of the
business sector.  This particular day there were 2 girls standing at
one of the intersections handing out flyers and curiousity got the
better of me because it was frakin’ cold and I wondered what was so
good that the flyer girls were remaining steadfast at their post. 
Here’s what it said:

RECESSION PROOF YOUR SELF – MASSAGERING !  !
FRESH MEAT OFF THE BOAT, BEIJING MASSAGERING
CHINESE COLLEGE EDUCATED LADIES – NO SLIME
TAKE THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT SITUATIONS WHILE
LYING DOWN ON A RELAXING MASSAGE TABLE.
NORMAL MASSAGE ONLY – NO DIRTY SEXUAL SERVICES
SHOWER OR SITE…LAST CALL: 9:30 PM ON SCHOOL NIGHTS
VERY CLEAN, PROFESSIONALLY POLITE
ADULTS NOW WILL GET THE STUDENTS AND SENIORS
DISCOUNT TOO! HALF HOUR REJUVENATION SESSION-
        ONLY $ 39.99 GOOD OLD FASHIONED STYLE
(ADDRESS
HERE, *sidenote the street name was misspelled, something that can
happen to the best of us however when the street is called Yonge St
it’s kind of a biggie)
DOORS ARE ALWAYS OPEN FOR YOU, JUST WALK IN
FOR A WORKING CLASS MASSAGE – (PHONE#)
NO CHEATING…..AND….NO SHORT CUTS
SOFT, MEDIUM, HARD!, or PUNISHMENT STYLE MASSAGE

Okay
so there are many, MANY, awesome parts in this flyer.  Some of the
obvious include "massagering" (it’s totally a verb, just like walkering
and eatering), others are "no slime" (which just made me think oh Uh Oh
and got me all nostalgic, that was a great show eh?  I always wanted to
be on that show) and "no dirty sexual services" and as the flyer is all
in capitals that just makes it seem like they are extra shouting that
part.  Lastly, "punishment style massage".  Oh my.  I think my safe
word would be ‘PleaseStop’.  Simple, rational and polite.  But my
favourite thing, above all is when it says "last call: 9:30 on school
nights".  Now either the fresh meat off the boat chinese college
educated are continuing their education here, in which case bless their
little massagering hearts.  Or they really are as fresh as their ad
claims and are still mentally in school mode, as they haven’t made
the transition to business days.

This has nothing to do with the ad but tonight I saw The Uninvited. 
I’d seen the trailer a few times and it didn’t look Ah-Mazing but it
didn’t look all that bad.  It was bad.  Very, very, very bad.  And not
in a good, punishment style massage type of way.  It was just pure
punishment.  And I was never informed that i would need a safe word so
I couldn’t stop it.  On the plus side the acting was alright and the
scenery was nice.  But that’s the point right there, in a horror movie
I shouldn’t have the time to bask and take in the beautiful scenery, I
should be trying to keep my eyes open and not piss my pants.  Or more
realistically I should be giggling and laughing my ass off, as that’s
my reflexive reaction to horror films I like. *shrugs* Some people
scream, I laugh.  We all have our ways.